“Only women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.”
It’s a phrase that circulates freely in jokes, podcasts, movies, memes.
It sounds like an observation, but deep down, it’s a collective wound.
An overlooked, normalized wound, with the taste of a bitter joke.
When you take it seriously, it starts to hurt.
What do dogs, women, and children have in common? In the collective imagination, they are harmless, cute, obedient, loyal.
They don’t question, they don’t leave, they don’t ask. They offer and they stay.
Isn’t so-called unconditional love given, in these cases, only to those who don’t disturb?
When the child becomes oppositional and starts kicking you, or the teenager curses you and steals money from your wallet, or doesn’t listen and increasingly says “no”, doesn’t this unconditional love turn into shame and punishment?
Not to mention how many children are abandoned or kicked out of the house because they don’t meet their parents’ expectations.
When the dog bites you or (ironically) your child repeatedly, when it no longer responds to commands, isn’t it trained, tied up, given away, abandoned, even euthanized?
Many times, even without reason, a dog’s tail is cut off. Not out of love, but to make it seem less vulnerable.
To stop showing joy when it sees strangers; or fear. To stop being what it is.
When a woman defies, raises her voice, questions, asks, leaves, she’s “hysterical,” “too much”?
What happens then?
Isn’t “love” withdrawn? Doesn’t it turn into shame? Into punishment? Into rage? Into violence?
So, is that unconditional love, or emotional training?
I know this phrase also comes from real male pain.
Men feel they are not loved for who they are, but for what they provide: security, money, status.
But women also provide, just in a different way. Intangible, invisible gifts:
Gentleness. Patience. Emotional healing. Understanding. Sexual availability. Silence.
They’ve been told that “love” means “giving without limit.”
So then, who is really loved unconditionally?
Realistically, does unconditional love even exist?
I don’t think so. Or not in the form we imagine.
Maybe only in the first years of life, between a young child (under age 3) and a healed mother.
Otherwise, human love has limits.
Not because it’s less valuable, but because it’s real.
What happens when we can no longer give?
I found out the hard way.
Because of a severe burnout, I couldn’t give anything anymore.
No smile, no care, no validation.
I asked myself: If I stay like this forever, who will still stay by my side?
And the answer that hurt the most was: I don’t even know if I can love MYSELF like this.
Without performance. Without sacrifice. Without the savior role.
A woman offers her self to be chosen.
A man offers action, material value to be appreciated.
Neither feels loved for who they are.
Both are drained.
Both play a role.
And both get tired.
At the core, both women and men have the same needs: to be seen, appreciated, loved.
But each believes the OTHER has it easier to get those things.
Today I no longer believe in the myth of unconditional love.
I believe that true love has healthy boundaries (and that’s a good thing).
It is reciprocal. Intentional. Free of fear.
The love that demands I stay small does not love me.
It tames me. It erases me.
I believe true love would say:
“I love you for who you are. But if who you are hurts me constantly, I have the right to leave.
Not because I don’t love you enough.
But because I love myself too.”
Healthy love is not a reward for good behavior.
It’s not just for the nice ones.
It doesn’t demand obedience.
It doesn’t demand self-erasure.
It wants you alive. Whole. With a voice. With pain. With truth.
And yes, maybe some will leave when I no longer perform.
But the ones who stay…
will love who I am, not just what I give.
And that is infinitely more precious.
