I’ve always dreamed of having a baby. It was something I deeply longed for, yet it clashed with my greatest fear: childbirth. My fear had grown into a full-blown phobia: tokophobia. So, when my wish came true and I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was: How is this baby going to get out of me???
I decided to take things one day at a time and cross that bridge when I got to it. I genuinely enjoyed my pregnancy, but fear and anxiety often kept me up at night. I remember thinking: I can’t do this! I am not capable of enduring such intense pain. I can’t tear my body apart to bring a human being into the world!
(And by the way, if you have friends who struggle with this, telling them that millions of women have done it before them and survived does NOT help!)
As my bump grew, so did my fear.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved my baby from the very moment I found out I was pregnant. My fear had nothing to do with him. I had always wanted him! I just had no idea how I was going to bring him into the world without feeling like I was going to die in the process.
I wondered why I was so afraid.
My mother’s experience?
My mom gave birth naturally nine (9!) times. But, she had kept her struggles hidden from me, not wanting to give me a distorted view of childbirth. She only shared her experience after I had my baby.
Worries about being a mother?
No, I was thrilled! I couldn’t wait to be a mum. I dare say it’s my calling on this planet!
Pain management options?
I had done my research, but I was terrified that my body wouldn’t cope with the pain. Plus, a C-section or an epidural weren’t options for me due to my other phobias:
B. Trypanophobia (needle phobia)
C. Tomophobia (fear of surgery)
(Can you tell I have a thing for naming my fears?)
I knew I had to prepare myself. I read everything I could and watched way too many birthing videos, some of which I really shouldn’t have!
Thankfully, I had incredible support from my family and friends. Everyone was eager to give me advice. But I only wanted to hear positive stories. My friend Octavia was my rock. She shared her beautiful birthing experience with me over countless phone calls. (Here’s her number! Just kidding!)
My husband and I also took a mindfulness class. I didn’t expect it to help, but it was truly empowering. Every woman in that class was afraid of childbirth. What a surprise!
Marie, our instructor, asked what would help us prepare and overcome our fears. My answer? Nothing! (Looking back, I feel bad about saying that, knowing now what a colossal support my husband was!)
Then, she asked us to describe how we imagined the pain. We threw out words like: burning, tearing, excruciating, stinging, unbearable, twisting… She wrote them all down, then erased most of them, leaving only pressure and cramping.
“This,” she said, “is what labor pain actually feels like.”
It was so much less than we expected!
Learning about how our bodies work and how incredible they are, gave me confidence. What surprised me the most was learning that labor doesn’t truly begin unless we feel safe and relaxed. So, for those afraid of giving birth while their partner is away, don’t worry! Your body makes it happen when you’re ready!
I thing the biggest takeaway from this experience was this: to understand, not only that the baby needed 9 month to prepare to come into my world, but I also needed this 9 months to prepare myself to be his mother. I knew that he would not come until I was ready. And I was ready very close to the 9th month mark. I remember I surprised myself talking to my belly and saying: I am ready to meet you!
I believed this so deeply that I chose my baby’s birthday: three days before my due date, on my late grandfather’s birthday. I talked to my baby, and boom! It happened! (Okay, not just like that, but I really did give birth on the date I picked!)
My labor started at night after a wonderful day spent with my extended family. The pain was bearable. Almost exciting! I was so ready. It felt like something amazing was about to happen. The race had begun, and nothing was going to stop us from crossing the finish line!
We timed the contractions with an app. They got close to three minutes apart. I called my midwife. She came to our house, checked me, and then we headed to the birthing center. Every bump in the road made me think I was about to give birth right there in the car! (Spoiler: it wasn’t that easy.)
At the birthing center, I got into a warm bath while my husband massaged my back with a cold water bottle (odd, I know, but it worked). Two hours later, I met my precious baby boy! After that, I didn’t feel any pain. None at all! Even while being stitched up, I was holding my newborn and feeling nothing but pure joy.
Just four hours later, I walked out of the birthing center on my own shaky feet. Only to the parking lot. That was the slowest car ride home. We were terrified our baby would break!
And just like that, our new life began.
Looking back, I’m incredibly proud of myself for choosing to deliver naturally without medication. My fear was rooted in the unknown, and I had no idea how strong I truly was, or how important it was to have a support team by my side. It was incredible teamwork!
Believe it or not, you are stronger than you think. And you can do this too!