As a parent, I’ve always wanted the best for my children. Of course, like any parent, I wish for them to be happy, but I also want them to be successful and reach their full potential. It’s not always easy to figure out what exactly this means. I often find myself wondering: Is success about being rich and famous, or having the best grades in school? Does that really reflect the full potential of my child? Oxford defines potential as the talent or ability that may or may not be developed, and success as the accomplishment of an aim, such as gaining fame, wealth, or social status. But is that really the goal for my kids? I’ve realised that it’s not always about achieving traditional success, but about becoming the best version of themselves.
We live in a world that constantly pushes for excellence. We are all expected to look at where we are and try to be better, to surpass ordinary standards. But I’ve seen how exhausting this can be for myself and for children. The pressure to be the best at everything can lead to stress, frustration, and a lack of motivation. So, as I think about what I can do as a parent to help my children be their best selves, there are a few things I know I should avoid.
#1. Having (unrealistic) expectations.
I’m responsible for setting expectations for my kids, but I’ve learned that this can be a double-edged sword. If my expectations are too high or unrealistic, they can actually hold my child back. Instead of motivating them, unrealistic expectations can make them feel like they’re not good enough. I’ve found that it’s more helpful to set goals together with my children. Instead of focusing solely on the outcome, I can focus on the process—the effort they put in, the progress they make, and the lessons learned along the way. That way, even if the goal isn’t achieved, they can still feel proud of how far they’ve come. The only expectations I should have for my kids are about effort. If they give their best effort, they will grow and be motivated to keep improving, even when they don’t immediately succeed.
#2. Underestimating emotional intelligence.
I’ve come to realise that emotional intelligence (EI) is just as important as cognitive ability. EI is about understanding and managing emotions, both our own and others’. It helps us build relationships, navigate challenges, and make decisions. I want to teach my children how to recognise their emotions, accept them, and deal with them in a healthy way. Emotional intelligence can make a huge difference in how my child handles relationships and challenges in the future. It’s something I definitely want to prioritise as part of their development.
#3. Making learning a chore.
Nobody likes to learn because they have to! Turning learning into a chore takes the fun out of it. I can’t deny that sometimes learning isn’t all that fun, but I believe it’s important to make it engaging. When my kids are genuinely engaged in what they’re learning, they take ownership of it and find meaning. Even though not every lesson is going to be fun, I want to make sure it’s interesting enough that they want to learn, not because they have to, but because they choose to.
#4. Praising Mindlessly.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of saying “Good job!” or “That’s great!” every time my child does something. But I’ve realised that empty praise doesn’t really help them understand what they did well or why it matters. In fact, it can make them dependent on praise. Instead of praising for the sake of it, I try to focus on describing what I see. For example, if my child shows me a drawing, I might say, “I see so many details and colours! What made you decide to color the horse blue?” I want them to think about their effort and their thought process, rather than just seeking approval. And sometimes, I don’t praise at all. When they recognise their own success, they learn to reinforce themselves and not rely on my validation.
#5. Giving rewards.
I’ve learned, the hard way, that offering rewards for good behaviour can backfire. If I give rewards for everything, my children might start doing things just for the reward, not because it’s the right thing to do. And that’s not the kind of behaviour I want to encourage. It’s important for my kids to understand that doing the right thing is its own reward. Giving spontaneous, positive feedback is much more meaningful than offering rewards for every little thing. I’ve realised that the best rewards come when they’re not expected, and when they are based on genuine feedback, not manipulation.
#6. Comparing my children to anyone.
It’s tempting to compare my children to others, especially when I want to motivate them, but I’ve learned that this can be incredibly harmful. When I compare them to someone else, I’m sending the message that they aren’t good enough as they are. Comparing siblings can also cause rivalry, which only leads to more tension and insecurity. I’ve come to understand that every child is unique, and the only comparison that makes sense is comparing who they are now to who they were yesterday. I want them to see how much they’ve grown, how far they’ve come, and learn to appreciate their own progress.
#7. Encouraging competition.
While competition can sometimes drive motivation, I’ve found that it often promotes selfish values and leads to unnecessary pressure. I want my children to understand the value of collaboration—working together toward a common goal. When people collaborate, they achieve more, and the environment is much more positive. Competition, on the other hand, can create tension and stress. I want to teach my kids that collaboration, trust, and mutual respect are the foundations for success in any endeavor.
According to Jane McGonigal in her book Reality is Broken, collaboration is based on cooperating (acting purposefully toward a common goal), coordinating (synchronising efforts and sharing resources), and co-creating (producing a new outcome together). She argues that collaboration is far more powerful than competition. Imagine the pressure and tension in a competition versus the relaxed environment, where people can collaborate with mutual sympathy and trust in each other’s roles and abilities.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to raising successful children, I know that as a parent, I need to do my best to be there for them. I want to accept them for who they are, encourage them to dream big, and support them in doing what makes them happy—whatever that looks like. Their definition of happiness might be different from mine, and that’s okay. Ultimately, I have to be a role model for them. “Do as I say, not as I do” won’t cut it. I strive to be the kind of person I want my child to become.